The Parting

Always there is something. There is something that makes you take a step back even when you’re absolutely sure the only way to do it is by going forward. There is this feeling somewhere deep down in my gut and although I knew this day was to come, now that it is here I would have liked it to never come at all. For today we part, and that is the only thing that I do not want in my life. No, don’t get me wrong, I do not want you in my life such as being there forever for I know that is entirely not possible. But just for the sake of the moment, let us assume I could have had you forever, which is very absurd because that is not what I want, indeed, I do not want that and you must believe me for in this moment if you don’t then in the very next moment I won’t believe myself either for this is it, this is the last straw on the camel’s back. I know you aren’t here today, and it is just a mere coincidence, but what would I give to just see you one last time?

You know what, I have always thought friends are friends and nothing else and that there can be no reason to feel sad or happy about it for friends are just friends and they are just people and people are meant to come into your life and go away just like the days and nights and new mornings and seasons and fashionable clothes. But you, why did you come, you knew that this was not forever, I told you that on the very first day; you know I had to go, you knew this was not forever, I told you so, yet somehow what happened? Now that you aren’t here when I am going, and by the time you will be back I won’t be here; isn’t that just great, because I am sure I would have become teary-eyed at the last moment and all the drama that I have put up about being a stoic and not feeling anything would have gone to waste.

Always there is something. There is something that you have of me. A part of me to be precise. No this is not a love note, and I don’t want to tell you that I love you for I don’t love you the way you deserve to be loved and I loathe myself for that for I can never become what I want to, and that is because you are not what you are and I am not what I am and this world is not what it should be for us but what do I care and what do you care? I could give up entire worlds for your smile but I do not know now that the moment is here if I will see you anymore. Will I? I really hope I do for you right now, mean everything to me. I have never known a passion so raw, and I have already loved many and have been hated by many and put down by others and thrown out by more and kicked out by lots and spit upon by the rest and yet I have been loved by some as well and yet this is entirely different and I know you wouldn’t understand what I mean for this is not what I have shown you I am.

Oh, the night draws close and I close my eyes and I can only see your face and your smile covers my entire brain like a blanket; oh what should I do now? I desperately want to get rid of your thoughts, no don’t get me wrong but I need to live and to live I need to breathe but your thoughts are suffocating me like water filled up to the brim of the buckets which might overflow even on the slightest movement. Oh how disjointed my thoughts are, what am I saying? Did I just confess my undying love for you? If I did, consider that a lie, because I didn’t intend to and I don’t want to, and I don’t want you to know that I love you, because in fact I don’t love you, or at least not as much as you are worthy of or as much as I am capable of. This is an unfinished story. I want to write more. I want you to read more, but I don’t know if this story will ever reach a proper end. This time it ended so abruptly. Oh no, I will definitely come back, come back to you, and give this a proper end. For I cannot live with this thorn in my heart which pricks me in the night and my heart bleeds and blood fills my gut and yet you can’t see for what man can see inside another when both are so parted away?

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